The Unwitting Martyr

I was in that rare moment when my overly-critical aka insecure writer self was satisfied - proud, even - with what I have written.
I thought my words were poetic. I thought my insights were beautiful. My nerdy fantasies were already lining up, pushing one another for a bit of airtime in my imagination, beginning with the one about the client praising me: "That was a good report. I am impressed." Then I remembered these things don't really happen.
More likely my report will be disregarded, referred to like a boring textbook, or used as a blurb at best by those who really run the show. All jobs come with hazards and mine is about being forgotten. A joke even, to some, and yes they're not too subtle about it.
It may not seem like it, but I don't really want recognition, let alone praise. What I want is respect. Being trapped in the very beginning of the whole process makes exclusion typical. Salingkitkit. 
I'm tired of being regarded to as just support, being set aside  or hidden because the stage is no place for you, children. I am not a martyr. All martyrs die.





And yes, I'm finding the succession of my posts funny. How time flies.

The Habit of Pleasing

That bit of text above is an excerpt from one of my most recent interviews. But before I move on with my ramblings, a brief background na muna about my job: I work for an ad agency, and what I do, in a nutshell, is qualitative consumer research, mostly for big FMCG brands in the Philippines.  What's interesting about our research is that it's really in-depth, it dives deep into the mindsets of these brands' consumers, which allows us to come up with insights that can help us think of new strategies that will make the brand more relevant to them. It's really exciting because I get to talk to different kinds of people, know their stories (think of reporters and their "scoops"), and sometimes even get to travel. For the month of July alone, I have been to Bicol, CDO and Cebu! Anyway, I think I should stop myself with my preamble, before I start hard-selling what we do.

Yes, I can believe that I was able to ask my respondent if she will be making new babies with her husband when he returns, but what I found really surprising is the nonchalant way we conversed about this topic. Here I am, a stranger that you just met 30 minutes ago, asking about you and your husband's sex life in a very straightforward manner. If you were in her place, how would you respond?

I don't know if it's just the culture of my respondent's socio-economic class, who often have less apprehensions about their private lives given their tight communities, literally and figuratively. Or it may be just plain maturity. Or it can also be the generally conservative culture of Pinoys that makes sex a very taboo topic. Personally, I don't think I'll be able to talk as freely to a stranger about my sex life once I'm married. Just writing the last sentence already made me slightly uncomfortable.

Another thing to consider is, maybe, it's just the unique personality of my respondent. Maybe I was lucky that the person I was talking to is more candid than the average Filipina. Or maybe, like what moms in our office would sometimes say, giving birth already exposed your most vulnerable, least-composed state to a room-full of people, that it takes away the embarrassment from talking about bodily functions (and urges) and whatnots after.

It's easy to think of a lot of reasons, but there's one theory I would like to chew on. I think Filipinos are instinctively people-pleasers. I think, in her efforts to be hospitable, she was too embarrassed to refuse my line of questioning, even more than consenting to answer them instead.

Comparing ourselves to most of our Western neighbors, the filters between what we think and what we say are more dense and less porous. Oftentimes we choose to be the martyr--why go through the trouble of saying no when we can just grin and bear it? Is it a habit that's been ingrained in our behavior by the colonizers that set foot on our land? I really don't what brought about this quirk in our collective personality, since I'm no historian/sociologist/anthropologist/pyschologist/whatever-logist, and connecting this incident to this generalization may even be pilit, but I would like to understand about why we tend to care too much about what other people think, and why it's so prevalent in our culture.

It may also be a necessity. When you think about it, the premise of good manners is putting on a version of yourself that's most agreeable, and most accommodating of other people. It's two-tiered: we want others to like us by being good mannered, while putting ahead their needs and wants over ours. We see the extent of which we do this as way to measure a person's kindness. The more we care about other people and prioritize them over ourselves, the more we are perceived to be kind, until the point of selflessness. On the other hand, the more we disregard others, the more we are called mean, ill-mannered, and selfish. And who wants to be called that?

I guess, in a way, it also protects our society from chaos. Imagine a world full of selfish people, if for some reason, we suddenly lost our ability to love, be ashamed and guilty. How long will this world remain inhabitable? Now imagine a world wherein every bit of selfishness is lost in our systems, down to the very last drop. Wouldn't that be heaven?

I realize now I'm going into extremes. haha! I would like to make it clear that I'm not trying to discourage expressiveness and forming of individual opinions in favor of submissiveness. It would be hypocritical of me, owning this blog and all. I guess what I'm hoping for is, in this day and age that it's so easy to vocalize (and publish in every social media platform) every little thought, it wouldn't hurt if we filter ourselves from time to time. You won't die or blow up into pieces if you stop and think about the consequences of your actions or words, and whether it will be hurtful to someone (intentionally or unintentionally).

PS. I borrowed the phrase, "the habit of pleasing" from A Song Of Ice and Fire: A Storm Of Swords. I wouldn't want to be accused of plagiarism now, would I? ;)

Understanding Mean People

Here's something I wrote on my phone during a bout of insomnia. I can't remember what the day's events were that led me to dwell on this. But knowing my "patterns," it's probably just stress. I don't like showing my stress to other people, especially to co-workers and to those I'm not really close with, that oftentimes, I can't help but lump it all it into a mass of pulsating negativity whose existence I only remember  when I go to bed, or I regrettably release when I'm with the people I love. This, I am really sorry for, because I end up lashing out to those most dear to me, even if these "mild bursts" are extremely short-lived and temporary. 
Lately, I've been writing on my phone as a form of outlet for these negative thoughts. 

May 9, 2012. Wed. 11:57 pm:

Understanding Mean People

I'm trying to wrap my head around why some people constantly feel the need to put other people down. Why they must first put under superficial assessment those they meet to see if they deserve even the most basic form of respect. Why they bask in the glow of other people's reddening faces as they suffer the consequences of temporary idiocy or simple awkwardness. Why they go about the world with a raised eyebrow, pursed lips, and their most evil glare.

My guess is that these people suffer from a feeling of inadequacy in one aspect of themselves, which they repress and ignore, that to see this version of themselves in another person brings about repulsion and even hatred. It's ironic because these people are often seen as fearless. Someone "honest" and "true" to what they want--in control--when in reality, they are severely lacking the restraint and awareness most possess. Think of this awareness as a social filter, a skill a human being begins developing as soon as they start learning how they speak, and is reinforced by good parenting.
It's really basic manners.

What they mistake as confidence and frankness may be a lack of good manners and restraint. They lack the ability to filter themselves which is a skill we all start developing as soon as we are able to form our own opinions. Their "I don't care what you think" attitude is an inability to foresee consequences of their actions that can be dangerous and destructive. It's sad, really, because their happiness is dependent on other people's misery. What they proclaim as confidence is actually over-dependence, because take away the people they put down, they are left without the rungs of their life's ladder. They are focused so much on defining others that they are not able to define themselves. Strip them off the people they use to prop up as their pedestal. and they are left with nothing to show for.