Understanding Mean People

Here's something I wrote on my phone during a bout of insomnia. I can't remember what the day's events were that led me to dwell on this. But knowing my "patterns," it's probably just stress. I don't like showing my stress to other people, especially to co-workers and to those I'm not really close with, that oftentimes, I can't help but lump it all it into a mass of pulsating negativity whose existence I only remember  when I go to bed, or I regrettably release when I'm with the people I love. This, I am really sorry for, because I end up lashing out to those most dear to me, even if these "mild bursts" are extremely short-lived and temporary. 
Lately, I've been writing on my phone as a form of outlet for these negative thoughts. 

May 9, 2012. Wed. 11:57 pm:

Understanding Mean People

I'm trying to wrap my head around why some people constantly feel the need to put other people down. Why they must first put under superficial assessment those they meet to see if they deserve even the most basic form of respect. Why they bask in the glow of other people's reddening faces as they suffer the consequences of temporary idiocy or simple awkwardness. Why they go about the world with a raised eyebrow, pursed lips, and their most evil glare.

My guess is that these people suffer from a feeling of inadequacy in one aspect of themselves, which they repress and ignore, that to see this version of themselves in another person brings about repulsion and even hatred. It's ironic because these people are often seen as fearless. Someone "honest" and "true" to what they want--in control--when in reality, they are severely lacking the restraint and awareness most possess. Think of this awareness as a social filter, a skill a human being begins developing as soon as they start learning how they speak, and is reinforced by good parenting.
It's really basic manners.

What they mistake as confidence and frankness may be a lack of good manners and restraint. They lack the ability to filter themselves which is a skill we all start developing as soon as we are able to form our own opinions. Their "I don't care what you think" attitude is an inability to foresee consequences of their actions that can be dangerous and destructive. It's sad, really, because their happiness is dependent on other people's misery. What they proclaim as confidence is actually over-dependence, because take away the people they put down, they are left without the rungs of their life's ladder. They are focused so much on defining others that they are not able to define themselves. Strip them off the people they use to prop up as their pedestal. and they are left with nothing to show for.

More than Blood and DNA

Last Saturday, my mom, siblings and I visited Nanang in her new home, 2 weeks after she retired from us. For 49 years she has been part of our family. She started out as my mom's yaya when she was just 4 years old and Nanang was 16, and stayed with my mom until she got married and had us, her kids.

By the way, her real name is Francine. When I was little I thought it was Pransing, because that was how I thought everyone pronounced it. To be honest, I'm still not completely sure what her complete real name is. Because to us, she has always been Nanang, a mix of Manang and Nanay.

That's me (forgive my bare face, I was too lazy to fix my face that morning. haha), 

with my youngest sister, Maela, and Nanang, in the house she saved up on for years

We're really lucky that our family has Nanang. Yes, has, not had, because even though she no longer lives with us, it will never change just how dear and loved she is to us.

To describe her as part of our household help sounds wrong and disrespectful, and I can't help but feel a bit ashamed when I do so. We see her more as our malambing 3rd lola, who believes that any ailment of the body can be remedied by a full stomach. Her favorite diagnosis: "Wala kasing laman ang tiyan!" 
Headache?  "Hindi ka kasi kumain!" Stomachache? "O eto muna ng biskwit. Gusto mo ng sandwich?"
Cooking is her forte, so I guess food is the language she knows best, and therefore what she uses the most. I think her paglalambing through food is one of the reasons why I'm this heavy. haha

And we know that all love and concern we have for her do not compare to how much she cares for us. You can tell if a person are doing things just because they have to, or if they're doing it out of love. With Nanang, we know it's always the latter.


We love you Nanang, and we miss you! :)